Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry