im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please