No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
*checks Timeline*…
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?