colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Room with a view.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids