I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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me as a parent
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.