*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.