I only eat vegetarians.
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Going to church you guys need anything
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.