Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog