[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok