Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.