19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
A choir of Spring onions
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on