What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’