If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You Might Also Like
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
79.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.