If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.