“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you