growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children