Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
This could be us… but you playing
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.