Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Mornin
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
They must have gotten it to go.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.