I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
we’re dead?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…