In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
They got Raph!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.