Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?