Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
You Might Also Like
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Anyone really
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3