Who’s your best friend?
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.