Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.