If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.