My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.