It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.