Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me in tagged photos
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You wish you had this many chins.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.