ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
There are no pants in heaven.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?