I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Damn he played himself
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Ironic
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
is this a threat
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*