roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Just a phase…
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.