My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.