A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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bro what is going on at twitter
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
People buying plungers never look happy.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying