If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life