My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.