[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Beware of fowl play.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.