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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.