The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
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A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.