My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
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Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I love the honesty
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares