People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*swipes right on my hand mirror
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?