Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice