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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.