Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.