Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
When your best mate counts as a desk too
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP