Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
🤣😂🤣
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.