Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
#parenting
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
BETRAYAL
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*