how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My love language is deader than Latin
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.