After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’d use my best pan on you.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.