It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.