When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Weirdos gonna weird.
My blood type is coffee.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The real reason evolution started..😂